Two steps forward, one step back....

“The dream isn’t over. It’s closer than ever. I just need to take one more step backwards before I can go forwards.”

This is me in my most positive moments.

The rest of the time, I feel like my heart has split open and blobbed on the ground in a big blubbery mess.

I have found a job in London, with my old employer from Australia. The reality is that I need an income, and I need to keep my career on track.

Yes, I could earn some “unofficial” money in Paris (thereby getting around the “no work permit” issue), but everything that I’ve looked at will barely earn me enough to pay the rent (on a good month). That’s not even thinking about travel around France, or around Europe or going back to Australia for a visit. OK, maybe travel around Europe and France isnt a necessity, but a trip back to Aus is. And as for trying to make back the money that I’ve spent this past year while out of work? Huh. Yeah, right.

I have seriously questioned whether my motives are all about money. Shouldn’t I just be happy to be in France? Even if I’m living below the poverty line, isn’t the joy of Paris enough?

The fact is, I have the option to have the dream, the whole dream. I can have an income, I can enhance my financial security, I can continue my career, I can (at some stage in the future) move back to Paris and into a fantastic job. I just cant do it right now. Can I do it in 2 years time? In 2 years time, hopefully things will be more stable in the global economy, my French will be better, I’ll have European experience, I’ll have more European business contacts (that can possibly give me access to jobs in France) – all things to enhance my ability to get a job in France.

And my new employer has just acquired a new European business, almost doubling their staff numbers – including in the Paris office. Two of my new superiors said to me in my interviews that in 2 years time, the Paris office may well be big enough to warrant my transfer over there. No guarantees, but still, it’s possible!

And also, by then, I should have the right to work in France because M and I have tied the knot.

The other major thing to consider is that, as a couple, life isnt just all about me and my needs. Every decision needs to be beneficial for both of us, or an agreed compromise “win-win”. Yep, we could stay in Paris, M could continue working in his job, we could have a great life. But where does his career lead to from here? He wont be able to progress in France unless he is bi-lingual French/English at a minimum (there are so many jobs now that require you to be tri-lingual, usually with Spanish or Italian as the 3rd language). We want to live in Australia one day, so how will he be able to settle comfortably if he cant communicate? And even more importantly, how long is it going to take before he will be able to have a fantastic conversation with my family and friends (without me having to translate)?

Learning a language when you’re not immersed in it every day is really hard. I know – I spent years and years studying French on Saturday mornings and still found it hard to put a sentence together. M spent years at school learning English, but can still hesitates when introducing himself. And now that I’ve spent a year in France, I’ve been able to hold job interviews in French and crack jokes (probably the most important aspect of language!). Moving to London is actually his best opportunity to get his English fluent while he’s still at an early stage of his career – and, so that he can start speaking with my family asap.

This is a good move for the both of us.

So I will console myself with the fact that Paris is literally just a short train or plane ride away.

I can come back as often as I like. And of course, we will need to come back to France to see M’s family (which, in a strange twist, works out well because London is actually closer to Dunkerque, than Paris is to Dunkerque – bizarre).

I can even continue my French lessons while in London, and speak French with M at home (when he’s not practicing his English).

It all sounds really great. It IS great.

It’s just not like walking out the door in the morning and feeling the rush of French language around me.

It’s just not like living in Paris.