Why I do not yet speak French like a local

So yeah, I paid for 2 weeks at Alliance Francaise, 4 hours each morning, Monday to Friday.

In a note to anyone wanting to go to Alliance Francaise in Paris – make sure you go there at least a day in advance in order to sit the test, stand in line, realise its the wrong line, go stand in another line, hold lengthy discussions with the staff as to what you have/have not already paid for, run up and down the stairs in order to get allocated to a class even though the people at the desk downstairs just called the people upstairs to tell them you were coming and could just have easily have asked for the allocation over the phone etc etc.

As with all things regarding French inefficiency, dont get mad, get even. Watch their disappointed faces when you persevere, take it all in your stride and sucessfully enrol! Ha! (I’m sure they wont even notice, but hey, it makes me feel better).

Fred from Nice (ie the Fred that is with Eve and just had little baby Tina) told me that I didnt need to go to Alliance anymore, that I had enough of a base in the language and all I needed now was just to get speaking. I told him he was wrong. And crazy.  Just like I told him he was wrong and crazy last year when he said that I needed to just speak and not be scared about making grammatical errors, because hey, arent I tolerant of people who may not be perfect grammatically but if I can understand them generally, its all good? hmmm…

Turns out that Fred was right, yet again. After just 2 days at Alliance I realised that I do not need any more grammatical instruction for the moment, especially when I’m barely even using what I have learned in all my classes to date. Its a complete waste of money to have learnt so much and yet still write and speak like a beginner. I need to perfect what I have already learned, incorporate that into my speaking and writing, and THEN I can move on.

Plus, the teacher was a dud, so I didnt get any correction on my homework or on my written French. And the class was so large (sometimes more than 15 people), that I barely had an opportunity to speak (and have my language corrected). Thats a whole lot of time and money for a whole lot of disappointment.

And my accent. Oh buddha. Sometimes I can say a word, I think I’m saying it perfectly, and no one understands me. I have to spell it or write it down, and then the light switches on in their Frenchie brains: “Oh! You mean you’d like a drink? Ha ha, I thought you were saying that you would like an operation to remove a rare fleshy growth from your armpit!“. Yeah. Thats really funny. Not.

Possibly the worst insult that I get on a regular basis is “Oh but your accent is so CUTE!“.  And every time, I give my most indignant death-stare and say “I am not CUTE. I am a 34 year old, intelligent woman. Say that again and you know where that baguette is going.” Of course, this just makes them laugh even more and insist that even the way I said “baguette” was cute. Fucking Frogs…..

So, this is my new language plan:

• In every possible way and with every French person (or person who speaks French) I know, I will insist on speaking French.

I know this sounds very weird, but it is actually necessary to make a conscious decision NOT to speak English in Paris. It is entirely possible to live here your whole life and never have to learn French. Why? There are so many ex-pats here, that there is ALWAYS something available in English. Want to go to an English-speaking mothers club? Easy. Want to have meat pies at an Aussie/New Zealand restaurant? Done. Want to watch Shakespeare performed by professional English actors, or even see a reading, in English, at an Irish Pub, of a writer’s draft screenplay? Too easy.

And given English seems to be a pre-requisite for every job in France, nearly every service you could possibly want will be provided by French people with enough English to understand what you want and need.  Paris is the most visited city in the world, waiters and shop keepers know that speaking English is essential to understanding all those tourists. English is becoming the international language of business, so most office receptionists are bilingual or have enough English to get by.

Even French friends ask to speak English because they dont get enough practice.

Speaking French makes your life and your integration easier here, but it really isnt essential.

The upside, is that the French will give massive brownie-points for even attempting their language. I went to a business women’s networking function a few weeks ago and when the group of French women heard my accent they asked me if I preferred to speak in English. Remembering that my new plan is to insist on speaking French at every opportunity, I declined and said I would prefer to speak in French. Of course, saying this scared the crap out of me because it meant that I was 100% certain to look and sound stupid, I would only understand 80% of what was said and would invoke a 50% chance of being told that my accent was “cute”. Grrrr……To my surprise, the women all burst out with brilliant smiles and enthused about how fantastic it was that I wanted to speak French. Of course, when I told them that I was not working at the moment and looking for a job as a lawyer, they all promptly ignorned me anyway [see separate post about taboo topics in French culture: never EVER tell a French person that you dont have a job unless you want to be permanently ignored]. But hey, at least they didnt completely wipe me!

• I will take private French lessons to personalise my learning and get help with improving my accent.
  

After a lengthy search through some rather dodgey characters claiming to be able to teach French on the basis that, well, they were French, and some rather uppity older Parisienne women who tried to get me to read religious newspapers as part of my learning, I found the lovely Madame Yolla Motz. Her family heritage is Lebanese, but she speaks like a true Parisienne. She’s very eccentric and fills her apartment with every possible colourful glittery Indian, hippie, fabric or statue you can imagine. She loves incense and has a small water feature in the corner. She’s probably in her late 50’s, she’s not married (that I can tell) and has a wicked girly laugh. I love the fact that she too, is considered an “outsider” here in France, because of her family heritage, and that she still holds fast to her past, while speaking better French than your average person. She’s professional, she loves working on pronounciation and she sends me audio-files of key exercises so that I can listen to them on my ipod when I’m on the Metro. And finally, I’m starting to fix up all my bad habits……

• I will read magazines and books that interest me and use a dictionary to translate

Sounds simple, but this is, in fact, quite daunting. And hard work. Its like getting an interpretive dancer to read a book on computer programming. The other issue is that buying books and magazines etc costs money (something that I have limited amounts of given than I’m still job-hunting). Not understanding those books, or not enjoying them, seems like a complete waste of money.

Luckily, Paris has several free “light-reading” brochures that they give away on the metro, morning and evening. And I’ve also found a financial newspaper that is cheap (yes, I know, its heavy reading, but its on topics that I’m interested in, so I’m more motivated to read). I’ve also been loving the email newsletter of the Mairie (local council) of the 3rd arrondissment (where I live).  Its a very gay, jewish, fashion area, so often the issues and events raised are things that I find important.

So have I been successful? Well, I’m no longer scared to spend a whole evening with French speakers. I’ve been managing my visits to the Prefecture all in French. I just spent a weekend away where I spoke nothing but French for 3 days. I’m still making stupid mistakes, I still speak with the sophistication of a child, but I’m getting there