Why cant I just be happy with the cake?

Today I’m wondering why I’m here in Paris.

Why am I here, and not back in Australia, with my family, good job, great friends, great apartment, awesome lifestyle etc etc. Why am I not getting cozy during Australia’s winter on a big comfy couch with a husband and a kid, watching “Zoolander” with a glass of red wine and a bowl of popcorn?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that scenario. That is definitely living a good life. A happy life. An uncomplicated life. That scenario is a goal to dream of, to work towards. It is worth working towards. And arent we all, especially in these times of “crisis”, looking for ways to simplify our lives?

So again, I come back to my original question: why am I here in Paris?

No family, few friends, no job, temporary accommodation, no husband, no kids. Even though they’re in France, Eve and Fred are hours away by plane or train. I wont be there to see my brother’s fiance’s belly get big, to coo and cluck over their little girl. I wont get to be a real aunty, to fall asleep on the couch with her on my belly while my brother and his fiance go out for the night. I’ve had relationships in Australia that could easily have turned into happy marriages – except that they didnt want to leave Australia, and so those great relationships had to come to an end. I sacrificed them for my “dream”.

Why am I doing this? This isnt like taking a short course, or a 3 month sabbatical. This is life change.

I loved my life in Australia. I worked so hard and for so long to to get my life sorted and to be in the place that I wanted to be. And now I’ve given that all up. And I have to start it all again here. From scratch. Do I have the energy to do it? Do I believe enough in the goal of making a life here?

Honestly, making a life here is just icing on the cake. The cake itself (Australia) was delicious and moist and did not need any icing (Paris) to complete it.

Why can I not just be happy with the cake? Why am I never happy to live that simple, uncomplicated life in Australia? Where did these stupid dreams of travelling the world, living in another country, speaking another language, having bi-lingual/bi-cultural children, come from anyway? Why cant I just follow the traditonal life path, that makes billions of people happy and enjoy the beautiful things that come with that?

Of course I dont expect people to feel sorry for me. “Poor Kristie, how hard, being lonely in Paris. How awful to walk down the beautiful streets of Paris alone, speaking French to a Boulanger and eating an eclair au chocolat“. If I was walking down a road in the Congo alone, ok, yes, a little sympathy might be justified. But this is far from “hardship”.

I do have counter-points to all of the above, which are happy and positive. I promise that I’ll post them over the next few days. But today, I just want to wallow a little bit in some self-pity and negativity. I think I need to go through this in order to really understand myself, and my motivations, and analyse and reaffirm my goals.

In the meantime, I’ll just keep thinking about why, why, why…