The Icing (response to “Why cant I just be happy with the cake?”)

Here is the much awaited response to my previous post!

Apologies if I made anyone concerned about my mental wellbeing, or if perhaps the post was a little too “personal”. People go through down periods during any process of change – its normal, and most of the time we pull ourselves through it with better understanding of ourselves, and gratitude for what we have, when we get to the other side. If we dont value the downtimes, we will never appreciate the good times

I guess I also want to try and tone down some of the “hype” thats been surrounding my move to Paris. Yes, Paris is one of the best and most beautiful cities in the world. Its culture is renowned. But its also just another place on earth, just another city. Paris is not Disneyland. There is heartbreak and injustice and racism and all sorts of other “dark” sides to life here every day. My life here is not just one big fairytale either – I still have to scrub out the shower and buy toilet paper!

Maybe other people who have moved countries didnt feel comfortable talking about their down days. Maybe I’ll regret that post. Maybe I’ll be grateful for the delete button….

Anyway, here is my justification as to why its OK to want the cake AND the icing:

• I still have my family and friends in Sydney, those relationships are still alive, they are not lost. I can maintain them easily through letters, email, chat and skype. And visitors! I may go back to Australia in a few years time and I will be able to pick up where I left off.

• I can always fly home each year.

• Isnt this just a game anyway? I can stop playing whenever I want. I can pack up and go home and pick up where I left off. No drama.

• I always wanted to be a “child of the world”. I wanted to travel the world freely and not feel anxious or afraid. I wanted to feel like the whole world was my home. I wanted to feel “international”, to be able to move with ease between different cultures, to learn about different cultures.

• I always wanted to live and work overseas. I wanted to sit in meetings where we were working on transactions involving groups from 3 or 4 different countries. I wanted to know what it was like to live in a place where the norms and priorities are different from Australia. Its so interesting!

• If I dont follow my dreams, will I just stagnate? Will I be full of regrets and take out those regrets on the people I care about most? Will those regrets manifest themselves as physical illnesses?

• Isnt that every human’s objective in life  – to be the best and happiest person they can be?

• I will find the right person to spend my life with when I follow my dream and be the best “me” that I can be. When I am happy, I will attract someone who is also following the path to be the best “them”. That’s the way to catch one thats worth keeping!

• The right person to spend the rest of my life with is the one who says that my dreams are as important as theirs. They will encourage and support me to pursue them. The right person will patiently work with me to find a way for both of our dreams to be realised.

• I am not less of  woman because I am not married. I am not less of a woman because I do not have children. There are MUCH worse things in the world than not getting married and not having children. I already live a very, very, priviledged life and I am so, so grateful for that.

• Lets face it. I was bored in Sydney. Yes there is so much more to do, see, learn, experience in any city, even if you’ve been there for years. But I’d spent my whole life there. Same streets, same culture, same organisation for 13 years. My job became worse than stand-still – it had actually headed backwards. Moving backwards in life? After all the hard work that I put in? I dont think so…..not when I have the choice to do something about it.

And why am I doing this?

• I’m doing it for all my friends and family that have little ones – so that when they grow up and hear stories about Crazy Aunty Kristie, they will know that its possible for them to chase their crazy dreams too.(I really do want to be known as Crazy Aunty Kristie, lol. Who doesnt love an eccentric aunt?)

• For friends and family who think they cant follow their dreams either – maybe this will be the catalyst to get them thinking about their dreams as well?

• And its for my grandmother, an intelligent, talented woman, who loved school, but had to stop going to help look after the house. Who loved working when she had the opportunity, but who had to stop to raise a family and look after her husband. Who dreamed of travelling the world, but only made it on a flight around the city. I can still see the fire in her eyes today, the desire to work and to travel. She sacrified so much, especially to raise a family, and down the chain, I am a beneficiary of that sacrifice. Dont I owe it to her to make the most of what opportunities I have available to me? And what about all the other women of her time who didnt have the opportunities I do?

• Dont I also owe it to the girl I was when I first moved out of home? I was broke, living in a less than ideal share house that my mum would rather forget, working during the day and going to classes at night, crying because I wasnt the best student and the stress of exams was enormous, crying because I was told I was stupid and would never finish my degree. All the dreams and hopes that girl had back then seemed so, so far away, almost impossible to attain. If that girl could see me where I am now, I think she would just burst at the seams with joy. She would tell me to keep going, because the hey, its worth it in the end, right?

• I wanted to make this move a long time ago, but it was never the right time. Work was doing really well, or I had a boyfriend who didnt want to leave the country, or financially I just couldnt afford the move and the loss of income while I searched for a job. Emotionally, I wasnt mature enough to be able to handle it. My French was pratically non-existent (greetings and ordering food in cafes does not count as “speaking French” when it comes to moving here). Now is the perfect time for me to take this step.

I know that I will feel differently once I get settled in Paris, get a good group of friends, get a job, get a routine. It just takes time.

And again, my “life lesson” for this year is “patience and kindness”, to go with the flow of life.

Right now, the flow of life is telling me to go to a cafe for a delicious coffee and to buy a eclair au chocolat on the way back. Hello Patisserie…..